


The Elephant in the Room

by foreverandalwaysvictorious



Category: Dynasty (TV 2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, References to Drugs, mentions of Cristal 1.0/Celia Machado
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverandalwaysvictorious/pseuds/foreverandalwaysvictorious
Summary: "Before she had even opened her eyes on the morning of May 12th, Kirby knew that Fallon would not be in bed beside her. It had been the same way for years, and she had unfortunately grown used to it. It was only a matter of time before the other woman was unable to keep it a secret anymore."
Relationships: Kirby Anders/Fallon Carrington
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25
Collections: Pillow





	The Elephant in the Room

**Author's Note:**

> This was an exploration of Fallon's grief that we briefly got to see in the show, with a Firby twist, brought about by my own loss and mourning of a family member. I've always hated when shows kind of just gloss over a loss, but again, should I really be surprised? This is Dynasty after all. Thanks Niamh for the beta and I am sorry for making you cry. Thank you Amanda for the second beta when I still wasn't feeling confident. You are a literal angel.

Before she had even opened her eyes on the morning of May 12th, Kirby knew that Fallon would not be in bed beside her. It had been the same way for years, and she had unfortunately grown used to it. Somehow between the time they went to sleep and the time she woke up, Fallon would have snuck out of the house, disappearing for hours, only to come back in need of her own specialized brand of Carrington TLC. To Kirby, it looked more like mixing pills and alcohol to bring about the sleep she had missed the night prior. It had always been a mystery, the location her girlfriend ran off to on the same day for as long as they had been together, but the redhead knew better than to push. Sensitive topics made Fallon defensive, the brunette clamming up instinctively at the sheer suggestion of things she did not want to talk about. Now she was in bed, annoyed, alone, and no closer to having any of her questions answered.

She took her time getting ready, knowing it would still be a few hours before Fallon would be home. After failing to fall back asleep, she relented to getting dressed in an outfit slightly more formal than her pajamas before padding down to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. She didn’t want to spend any more time worrying about her girlfriend’s whereabouts than she usually did. As she took that first sip, she let her thoughts wander to the first of many times the disappearing act had taken place.

* * *

Kirby just happened to be at the front door when Fallon tried to sneak back in unnoticed. Her fingers were hovering over the dial button on her phone, moments away from calling out to report her partner missing.

“Oh my gosh,” she sighed in relief, her hand held over her chest. “I was getting worried. I was about to start calling everyone to find you. Where were you?”

“Just out. I’m fine,” the shorter woman mumbled, barely shuffling past the doorway.

Fallon’s eyes refused to meet hers, still covered by the dark lenses of her sunglasses. She slowly placed them on her head, letting Kirby take in the sight before her. Her face was free of makeup, minus a light brushing of foundation. Bright blue eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, either from exhaustion or crying, Kirby couldn’t tell which. Even through her usual stoic disposition, it was obvious she wasn’t as put together as she was acting.

“Are you sure? Not to be mean, but you really don’t look great.”

She rubbed at her face slightly, trying to wave Kirby’s concern away. “It’s just allergies. There’s so much pollen floating around with the orchard in full bloom. Something in the air must have caused me to have a reaction.”

She walked further into the house, not so subtly trying to avoid the eventual confrontation the two would have about the incident.

“Hey.” Kirby reached for her free hand, squeezing reassuringly as she grabbed it. “You know you can tell me if something’s wrong, right Fal?”

She quietly nodded before mentioning her tiredness and retreating to their room to lie down.

Kirby reluctantly didn’t ask more questions, hoping Fallon would share the importance of the date with her eventually, but here they were; five years later, and the other woman had still managed to keep her lips sealed, never alluding to her secret excursion and evading the topic altogether. This year, though, they had fought the evening prior as curiosity once again got the better of her.

* * *

“So should I expect to wake up to an empty bed tomorrow?” she asked as she climbed into bed, mostly in jest, but also in hopes of getting Fallon to open up.

All she received in response was a prolonged sigh followed by silence. The brunette had already situated herself in bed to face the wall instead of the woman who seemed to be full of questions.

Going against her better judgment, Kirby pushed further. “You should already know this, but I can’t stand when you keep secrets from me.”

She felt the bed shift as Fallon flipped back over to face her. “Well, maybe I don’t need you to know everything this time.”

“We’ve been together long enough that I would hope we could talk about things.” As hazel eyes met blue, she let an idea free that had caused her stomach to twist in knots every time she thought about it. “Do you not trust me?”

“I just…” she paused mid-thought, long enough to make Kirby think she would finally have an answer, while simultaneously looking down to break the intense stare aimed at her. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

Now it was Kirby’s turn to grumble, resigned to the fact that she would not get her girlfriend to speak anymore.

“Goodnight, Kirby,” Fallon told her as she turned back over to settle into sleep.

* * *

She heard the front door open around noon, the signal she had been waiting for from her spot in the kitchen she hadn’t left all morning. The redhead pretended to still be working on designing a newsletter, even though she knew it was a lost cause for the day. While listening to the click of heels along the smooth tile floors come closer, she debated sitting in silence and letting the moment of simmering annoyance pass her by. She felt the presence of the other woman enter the kitchen before she saw her, gliding on autopilot to the small fridge on the countertop to grab a bottle of wine.

Without looking up from her device, Kirby lost her restraint, letting loose a snarky remark, practically begging for a fight.

“Did you enjoy your morning outing alone?”

Her question was met with relative silence besides the sounds of metal clanking against each other as Fallon rummaged in a nearby drawer for the corkscrew.

She decided on a softer approach instead, knowing that the last thing she wanted was to start an argument over an already sensitive topic.

“Babe, can we talk? Please?”

Fallon was still successfully ignoring Kirby’s pleas as she busied herself with removing the cork, pulling it free with a satisfying pop before generously filling a glass with the chilled beverage.

“I can’t deal with whatever tantrum you are choosing to throw right now. I need to lie down,” she finally responded, almost spilling her wine as she turned to make a quick exit and leave the room.

That was enough to weaken Kirby’s attempts to keep the conversation civil. Her grip tightened around the device that was still in her hand, the legs of the stool she sat on scraping on the floor with a loud screech as she stood up.

“Not in our bedroom, you won’t. You can find somewhere else to pop your pills and pass out.”

That statement alone stopped Fallon in her tracks. She carefully turned back around to meet Kirby’s gaze.

“You think I haven’t noticed? It’s the same way every year. You disappear without telling me when you’ll be back. Your allergies suddenly flare up so badly that you need enough medication _and alcohol_ to put you to sleep. I may not be able to help, but god, Fallon. How can I try if you won’t even talk to me?”

Kirby waited for an explanation, arms crossed tightly over her chest, watching Fallon’s mouth gaping as she struggled to form a response.

“Whatever. I’ll just leave you alone now.” She retreated to their room, annoyed with the fact that even though she was furious, she just wanted to curl up and cry.

* * *

It was only a matter of time before she wasn’t able to keep it a secret anymore. Sure, she had gone to therapy to try and wipe her memory of that tragic night, but talking to a shrink could only help so much. The recurring nightmares, filled with flashes of light and the smells of scorched wood and brick, were less frequent at this point, only coming on nights where the stress of work caught up with her. She still hadn’t found a way to stop the guilt that built up in the pit of her stomach as the unspoken day came around every year.

Fallon set the glass down on the counter, bringing her hand to rub at the bridge of her nose in hopes of staving off the headache that was soon to be forming. She needed to make this right by acknowledging the topic that had been a continual source of tension in their relationship. There wasn’t a good reason she hadn’t talked about it with Kirby. She had just grown used to dealing with all her problems on her own.

Taking a deep breath, she carefully made her way up the stairs, feeling shaky from both lack of sleep and the anxiety of the looming conversation. The door to their room was unsurprisingly closed. She let one hand rest on the doorknob for a few seconds, testing it to check if it was locked as well. When she didn’t feel any resistance, she brought her other hand up to gently knock and announce her presence, pushing forward to stand at the edge of the bedroom.

Kirby was curled up under a blanket, playing some sort of puzzle game on her iPad, and made no effort to acknowledge that the other woman had even entered the room. Fallon walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down at the end near Kirby’s legs. She tried to get her attention once again, gently resting her hand on top of her knee.

“I’m ready to talk, if you’ll hear me out,” she asked, patiently waiting for a response. When she received none, Fallon hummed in thought before standing up and moving to a nearby armchair. She pulled the decorative pillow that was placed upon it into her lap as she sat down. The tension between them was palpable, but she let the uncomfortable silence linger for a few moments, taking her time to try and find the right words to explain everything.

Kirby’s eyes flitted upwards for a second, eyebrows raising in acknowledgment before focusing back on the screen in front of her, so Fallon took it as being granted permission to speak.

“This pillow?” She held up the object in question before glancing down at it, rubbing her hand over the sequins and beading that created an ornate elephant design on the front. “Have you ever wondered why it doesn’t match any of our other things?”

“Maybe, but I’ve been taught not to question anything when it comes to you,” Kirby flippantly stated while still pretending to ignore the brunette.

“Kirby…I’m trying to explain now. Can I please continue?”

The redhead clicked the power button of her tablet and set it down in front of her, reluctantly raising her eyes to Fallon.

“This,” she squeezed the corners of the pillow in her hand, “was Cristal’s. Well, Celia’s, but I will always know her as Cristal.

“You know I don’t like talking about the past because there’s no point in wasting energy on things you can’t change. The fire that took her life happened around the same time you came back, the night of Steven’s wedding. I’m sure you heard about it because it was all over the tabloids. The big ‘whodunit’ that led to the collapse of CA and the very public spiral of the Carrington Clan. As we later learned, Crazy Claudia played a role in the whole thing. Cristal was trapped in the loft and didn’t make it out. We almost lost Culhane and Steven that night too.

“Daddy got rid of everything that reminded him of her almost immediately. The staff organized to remove it by whatever means necessary. Furniture, dish sets, floral arrangements - all of it was trashed or auctioned off. I think he even went as far as refurbishing one of the jets they used to take together. He wasn’t well and the only way he felt like he could move past it was by removing every memory of her.

“This stupid pillow.” Her jaw set as she pressed her lips together in a tight line, trying to think of the right words to say. “I just couldn’t let them throw it out. I don’t know what it was. I hadn’t felt any sort of attachment to her or her things until she wasn’t there anymore.”

Fallon looked out the window in thought, remembering the day the object had shown up in her room. She had passed through the main room many times during the Cristal purge, letting her eyes glance at the pillow more than she would like to admit as things started to disappear around it. When the cleaning was almost done, she had made one final walkthrough to notice it was finally missing. She wasn’t sure whether to feel upset or relieved until she found it on her bed with a note folded over the corner. 

_Miss Carrington,_

_I believe this would be best kept in your possession rather than going to auction. I’m sure you’ll find someplace to keep it safe._

Of course a certain butler noticed her lingering presence amid the chaos. She had never been more grateful for the unspoken language they had built over the years. 

“It was one of the first things she bought when she moved in. I absolutely despised how gaudy it looked; it didn’t match the décor at all, but it must have reminded her of the simpler life she had before. She didn’t understand anything about how things worked in the manor. Luckily, her taste improved thanks to some coaching from Anders.

“We weren’t friends at all, but maybe we could’ve been. Things between us were starting to get better, or at least more civil on my end. I regret being so awful to her now, letting my broken relationship with my parents get in the way with acting like a rational human.” Her hand played with the fringe tassels, letting them run over her fingers before gravity pulled them back down. She felt her voice wavering as she tried to keep speaking. “I think you two would’ve gotten along. I’m sorry you never got a chance to meet her.

“She didn’t deserve to die. No one deserves to die like that,” Fallon said, barely louder than a whisper as she tried not to cry. “And the worst part is, no matter what I do, I still feel like I’m the one who killed her.”

The tears were freely flowing now, despite her best attempts to stop them. She could see Kirby shifting to sit up through her blurry vision, motioning with open arms.

“Fal…come here.”

She unceremoniously fell into Kirby’s lap and was promptly pulled into a tight embrace, which only caused her to cry harder. One hand cradled her head, soothingly running through her hair while the other wrapped around to support her back. She could feel Kirby’s shirt being saturated in tears but knew she wasn’t going to make a fuss about it.

“It’s not your fault,” she heard Kirby lovingly reassure her. “You can’t blame yourself for something you had no control over. It was all a horrible accident.”

When she felt like she was all out of tears, she quickly wiped at her eyes and tried to finish her explanation. “That’s who I’m seeing when I run away. Every year, on the anniversary of her death, I go talk to her. I take flowers, I pick weeds, and I just sit out there. I know my apologies mean nothing now, but…there’s something comforting about it.

“Sam has offered to go with me, but I refuse to let anyone else see me like this. He has every reason to be more upset than I am. She was practically his mother.”

Kirby reached for Fallon’s cheek, letting her fingers thread through her hair. “She was a part of your life too, even if it was for a short time and you two didn’t always see eye to eye. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling this way. There’s no right way to grieve, but just know you don’t have to do it alone. If you ever want to talk, I’m always here. If you need this day to yourself - this trip to be something just for you - that’s okay too.”

She let herself be pulled into another hug, exhaustion from the day’s events slowly starting to overtake her. The tension she had been carrying in her chest was dissipating, as Fallon felt relieved that Kirby wasn’t upset with her. When they pulled away, she looked at Kirby to see the hardness she previously had in her eyes was no longer there.

“Thank you for finally sharing this with me,” she told Fallon. “I really do appreciate it.”

They gently curled into bed together, deciding it was best if they both took a nap to recuperate from the emotional ordeal.

* * *

It was evening when Fallon woke up, as she could see a sliver of moonlight that peeked through the curtains. Kirby’s arm laid over her side, still protectively holding her. She tried to fall back asleep, letting her eyes fall closed as she listened to the gentle sounds of Kirby breathing beside her, but unfortunately felt restless. Knowing there was only one thing that might bring her some comfort, she carefully slipped out of bed, retrieving the pillow that she had put back in its place hours earlier. The beads glistened in the low light in a way that Fallon had never noticed before. She took a second to admire its beauty, tracing the elephant pattern with her fingers, before rolling back into bed and snuggling it close to her chest. It didn’t take long for sleep to find her once again.

* * *

The date rolled around the following year like any other, except Kirby was surprised when she was roused early in the morning by a gentle nudge to her shoulder. She blinked, letting her eyes adjust to the dim room to see Fallon sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a casual sweater, her hair pulled into a high ponytail.

“Think you can be ready to go in fifteen minutes?” she asked with a hopeful smile.

Kirby sleepily nodded in response, feeling the bed shift again as Fallon got up and left the room. Although it was subtle, she knew this was Fallon’s way of asking for her company.

* * *

The drive to the cemetery was quiet, the silence between the women filled only by the soft tones of a David Bowie album. It was one of the few times Fallon let the new wave 70s tunes play in the vehicle.

By the time they arrived, the sun was starting to break through the clouds, pushing away the gray to reveal the bright blue sky. She grabbed a freshly prepped bouquet and a blanket from the backseat before coming around to the other side to escort Kirby to their destination. The long grass brushed against their ankles as they walked, still wet with droplets of morning dew.

“I brought someone with me this time,” she spoke into the open air once they had reached the ornate headstone. She set the bouquet in the designated vase and went to work laying the blanket out on the grass. “I hope you don’t mind the extra company.”

The pair sat down as Fallon continued her introductions. “This is Kirby, the girl I’ve been talking about for a while now. Thought maybe it was time for you two to meet. Most would say she’s my better half, and I think you would probably agree.”

She grabbed one of Kirby’s hands, threading their fingers together while she brought her head to rest on her shoulder. They enjoyed each other’s quiet company for a while, listening to the chorus of birds awakening from their slumber and the way the wind rustled the nearby trees. The air was fragrant with the smell of budding peach blossoms as a warm spring breeze swept over them, pushing away any remaining clouds with it.

* * *

“Thanks for coming with me,” Fallon said, squeezing the other woman’s hand as they walked back to the car.

“Anything for you, babe,” Kirby replied while moving to wrap an arm around her midsection and placing a kiss on the top of her head. “Now you’ve just given me someone else to talk to who understands what a pain in the ass you can be sometimes,” she jested lightheartedly, knocking their hips together.

Fallon let out a chuckle, feeling strangely at peace with the day for the first time. She couldn’t change the past, but maybe letting people in was the key to letting the healing process truly begin. 


End file.
